Rhythm: noun. a regularly recurring sequence of events, actions, or processes.
Lately, everyone is talking about rhythm. Creating a rhythm in your home. Finding a rhythm for your life. Sticking to your own rhythm instead of someone else’s. And recently, I don’t like the rhythm my life is drumming.
A week for me is baking, planning, working, cleaning, doing, making, counting, watching, playing, listening, reading. Filling every minute with noise or activity or both. No resting. No resetting. No stopping. Because stopping means silence and silence means voices in my head. “Everyone just tolerates you. You’ll never have your heart’s desire. You’re not enough. You’re too much. You’re not achieving what you should be. You do nothing. You’ll always be alone. No one understands you. No one is proud of you. No one loves you.” It’s a repetitive song. It drains me into a stale shell of the happy sunny girl I used to be. So I use some form of escapism to not be me for a while. A character in a movie with a happily ever after. A video game warrior who rules the land and her life. A girl on the pages of a story that’s not mine. Because anything is better than mine. Than my rhythm.
I guess sharing this at all is raising the white flag. I’m tired. Of the voices, of the escaping, of trying to live anything but my life. I’m reading my Bible and praying daily. I’m at church all the time. I’m doing everything I know how to try and claw back up the hill to the happy sunny me. But it’s just getting more intense.
So I’m asking. How do you combat your voices? How do you reset your rhythm? How do you capture every minute of your not-so-perfect life and survive? I really want to know.