Infertility

When God Says No

“So that’s just the way you are. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you guys.”

Not the words you want to hear at any doctor appointment. Not the words you want to hear after waiting four years for your husband to be on board and then another year and a half of test after test and appointment after appointment. But Monday afternoon last week, sitting together in a chilly white room, that’s what the blue clad doctor said. Tight smiles and tight thank yous got us to the car. And then we cried.

I’m not sure I really even comprehend it yet. After so many years of waiting and expecting there to be kids someday. We can’t have kids on our own. If we want to expand our family, we have to spend thousands of dollars on procedures that might not work or adoption. Thousands we don’t have. Thousands that I’m not sure we’d spend that way if we did. God said no in that doctors office.

How do you mourn a dead dream? Because that’s what Dearest Carl and I are trying to figure out how to do. It isn’t tangible. It isn’t like we had something and lost it. We really never had control of our future, but whatever plans we had, kids were part of it. For me, kids were it. I have Pinterest boards and Amazon wish lists full of baby things and family related things. I’ve chosen the part time career path because I expected to add a baby into the mix. We chose this house because it had plenty of room to grow into. We waited and waited. And the locusts ate the years.

Now, I want to address the adoption subject because I know someone is going to bring it up. I believe that adoption is a calling from God. And it’s a calling we don’t have right now. While we aren’t closed off to the option and won’t say that we never will adopt, it’s not where we feel led at the moment.

So here we are. Our little family consisting of him, me and the cat and that is unlikely to change. What’s our plan now? Well, we don’t have one. God said no to our biggest dream. We had no plan B for our future. But one thing we know is that there is a reason. Life doesn’t stop here. God has a plan for us and someday, we’ll look back and realize that it was better than what we envisioned for ourselves, even if that’s hard to believe right now. He said no but that doesn’t mean He left us. And right now, that’s what we’re holding on to.

5 Comments

  1. Rebecca

    Oh, Casey. I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t even say more than that, other than I understand.

    For better or worse I’ve never been able to take no for an answer, so I’ll add what I hope might be some constructive thoughts, but I’m going to put them way down below in case you’re not in a place to read that kind of input yet (or ever, which is fine!). I completely appreciate that you might just need to sit with the devastation and don’t necessarily want advice, in which case you can stop reading here and I’ll simply end with massive, empathetic hugs from an Internet stranger.

    Hi again! I wanted to share some info that I gathered when I was going through a similar struggle last year.

    – IVF: I’ll be honest, I was totally anti-IVF. I felt it took all the spiritual randomness out of conception, the thought of the extensive medical procedures scared me out of my skin, and I assumed the cost was prohibitive. At a certain point in our journey, though, I took a step back and reconsidered. We didn’t have to go down that road in the end, but I did eventually get to a place where I was willing and it would’ve been our next step.

    One thing that helped was joining a private Facebook group in my local area for infertility. The more I read and learned about normal women like myself going through IVF, the less intimidating and scary it became. Just knowing there was a whole community of people with the same struggle eased my mind a lot and made me feel less broken and isolated.

    On financing, I learned from that FB group that there are ways to make IVF more affordable. Some of the ladies changed employers in order to improve their health insurance coverage. Others traveled to CNY, a clinic in Syracuse that offers affordable options, and some traveled outside of the country (I’m in Texas so Mexico is driving distance). Some clinics offer scholarships or grant programs, and some people use faith-based health-sharing plans that have IVF benefits.

    – Adoption: I’m with you here. I love the idea of being a foster parent and being a source of positive intervention in a child’s life, but I’m humble enough to admit that I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it in reality. The exception for me would be the possibility of adopting from South Africa, where we used to live, because I’ve seen firsthand the levels of poverty and am truly passionate about the country and its culture. Which brings me to my next point…

    – Go abroad!: Maybe this is the perfect time for you to step away from everything and serve overseas. I think you’d be so good at it! You have so much compassion, selflessness and creativity that could benefit so many in impoverished communities. Of course you’d have to search your heart, but I want to plant the seed. Take the exit ramp from the day-to-day, go somewhere different and challenging and life-changing, then come back with fresh eyes. It doesn’t have to cost the world and it’s certainly the best thing I ever did. 🙂

    Like I said, it’s my nature that when I hear “no” I go into warrior mode to turn it into a “yes” or at least a “maybe.” I hope some of this is helpful and absolutely don’t hesitate to e-mail me if you want to chat more. In no way do I want to diminish the pain of what you’re going through right now, and I totally understand that sometimes time is is the only thing that can help. Either way, I see you, and I’m here. *hugs*

    1. curlyhair23

      Thank you so much Rebecca! I appreciate your tips and while it’s not abroad, I’m looking forward to our Florida vacation in June. 🙂 Also trying to convince my husband we need a kitten to keep our cat company. Wish me luck! haha

  2. Dia

    So, so, sorry for your loss. And it IS a loss. Permit youself to mourn it as one. My throat is a little tight as I write this. I can practically feel your sadness through your post, and I’m heartsick for you guys.

    I love you. The whole family loves you. And I wish there were something tangible I could do.

    I really do like the above stated idea from Rebecca about going abroad or launching something new. Since your life just got (heart-breakingly!) “un-paused”, that means it’s back on “play” (or possibly “record”–not quite sure where I’m going with this analogy here). Many different possibilities could now be explored.

    I’m sure it’s not much of a consolation to have such a small upside, but it IS there. It might provide a path previously unseen. I hope you remain open (in due time) to a beautiful future which wasn’t the one for which you had so fervently hoped.

    Love you and I’ll be thinking of you.

    1. curlyhair23

      Thank you Dia! Love you too!

  3. Jo Ann King

    Oh Casey! I am so sorry to hear your news. My heart truly hurts for you and Carl. Being someone who suffered with infertility and wanted six kids, I understand what that pain feels like. I love your heart despite the pain and disappointment. As you heal, I’m confident with your demonstrated faith, you will begin to seek and find the surprisingly fulfilling life that God has already put into motion. Love you, sweet sister.

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