Many books you read describe tears of anger as red hot. That’s not true. Tears of anger are ice cold. This month is four years. Four years of waiting and praying. Four years of smiling through the pain and crying alone. Why me? I have everything to give. We have a house. We are in a good place financially. We just traded cars for one that will fit a stroller better. Our jobs are flexible. Our time is flexible. Our lives are flexible. So why somebody else and not me?

Over four years, I’ve told myself that it’s just not time. That God still has something to teach me. And that’s been true. I’ve learned inexhaustible patience. To calm my hurry and hold my hope. I’ve learned uncompromising respect. To trust that my dearest will let me know when he’s ready, no matter what other people say. I’ve learned selfless rejoicing. To laugh and celebrate when someone else receives what I’ve been longing for.

Yet, as those icy tears of anger roll down my face, the emotion surprises me. Anger? Yeah, I guess that’s right. Because why not me? After all that praying and all that patience and respect and rejoicing. When is it my turn? What else could there possibly be for me to learn?

That’s when the familiar lyrics of an old song gently wrap themselves around my hazy mind…

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can’t you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

Surrender. To cease resistance. To hand over. To completely submit…. Suddenly we’re way past patience. We’re talking about living what we say as Christians. “God has a plan.” “He knows what’s best for you.” “He holds good things for His children.” These things trip off the tongue to souls who are in trouble, but to believe them? To truly take the dreams that I hold oh so tightly, the dreams that are me, and surrender them. It’s terrifying. What if no little one comes? What if motherhood isn’t in my future? What if no one ever calls me Mommy?

Yet, when you open long clenched fists, there is that feeling of sweet relief. Like pounds were just lifted from your shoulders. Surrender. I guess there is still something to learn. True surrender takes so much hope and trust that all that opportunity for heartbreak makes it easy to hold back. But if I actually believe that God will give me what is best for me, then I will surrender. It’s the only thing left to do in the end.

Surrender by Barlow Girl

Image via @roseheartandgrey


  1. I’m at a lost for words. Beautifully written. Such a profound truth. Thanks for sharing dear sweet friend.

    1. curlyhair23

      Thanks friend! Love you!

  2. Sharon Kitowski

    My heart breaks with yours. How empty I felt. How angry I was. How angry I still am once in a while. There is a reason that we adopted. We adopted older children. It’s hard. It’s very very hard. It’s not the same as having your own birth children. I know the promises in Scripture. I have felt betrayed. Still, surrender is the only real path, no matter how many times we must. You have written beautifully to express a pain that defies words. . . . and so many well meaning people “don’t get it.” Praying for you. Praying that you will know joy, surrender, peace, acceptance of whatever God’s path for you is.

    1. curlyhair23

      Thank you Sharon! For your story and your prayers!

  3. Rebekah Worden

    Praying for you dear! Thank you for sharing and trusting God with the future he has for you.

    1. curlyhair23

      Thank you Rebekah!

  4. Heather Ruble

    No wise words to say… just nothing but love for you, girl. Thank you for sharing this.

    1. curlyhair23

      Love you Aunt Heather!

  5. Stacy

    Your genuine strength and faith are beyond admirable. You’re loved by so many and we will continue to pray with you. We miss you!
    Stacy Rouse

    1. curlyhair23

      Thank you Stacy! I miss you all too!

  6. Kathryn Robinson

    My prayers for you are heavy with ache and hope that in your obedient surrender to delight in your Savior’s sweet promises and love that He will give you the desire of your heart, dear one. Keep looking up and around and see the beauty of the wait and be ready for the sweet surprise that your Heavenly Father is preparing for you, His beloved child. I love you….Love, Ms. Kat

  7. Oh sweet, love, my heart aches for you deeply. Nothing seems to be right when we cannot grasp the things we have always hoped for. Praying for you now and always. Praying with hope and great expectation that our Savior will meet you right where you need to be met. amen!

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