“So that’s just the way you are. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you guys.”
Not the words you want to hear at any doctor appointment. Not the words you want to hear after waiting four years for your husband to be on board and then another year and a half of test after test and appointment after appointment. But Monday afternoon last week, sitting together in a chilly white room, that’s what the blue clad doctor said. Tight smiles and tight thank yous got us to the car. And then we cried.
I’m not sure I really even comprehend it yet. After so many years of waiting and expecting there to be kids someday. We can’t have kids on our own. If we want to expand our family, we have to spend thousands of dollars on procedures that might not work or adoption. Thousands we don’t have. Thousands that I’m not sure we’d spend that way if we did. God said no in that doctors office.
How do you mourn a dead dream? Because that’s what Dearest Carl and I are trying to figure out how to do. It isn’t tangible. It isn’t like we had something and lost it. We really never had control of our future, but whatever plans we had, kids were part of it. For me, kids were it. I have Pinterest boards and Amazon wish lists full of baby things and family related things. I’ve chosen the part time career path because I expected to add a baby into the mix. We chose this house because it had plenty of room to grow into. We waited and waited. And the locusts ate the years.
Now, I want to address the adoption subject because I know someone is going to bring it up. I believe that adoption is a calling from God. And it’s a calling we don’t have right now. While we aren’t closed off to the option and won’t say that we never will adopt, it’s not where we feel led at the moment.
So here we are. Our little family consisting of him, me and the cat and that is unlikely to change. What’s our plan now? Well, we don’t have one. God said no to our biggest dream. We had no plan B for our future. But one thing we know is that there is a reason. Life doesn’t stop here. God has a plan for us and someday, we’ll look back and realize that it was better than what we envisioned for ourselves, even if that’s hard to believe right now. He said no but that doesn’t mean He left us. And right now, that’s what we’re holding on to.