When someone is hurting, I think most of us feel the tug to make it better. I’m so glad my mom taught me how to just listen to someone when they want to share a hard thing but I also love to show my care with cake. Often it’s so hard to know what to say because often, there are no words to make it better. So if you have an infertile friend that you want to love on this Mother’s Day, here are my suggestions for how to do that.
Sometimes “I’m sorry” is the best thing you can say. We know that your advice is well meaning and the stories about your other infertile friend now a mom are meant to bring hope. We appreciate where your heart is, but we’ve heard all the advice and the stories and on the hard days, we probably don’t want to hear them again. A simple “I’m sorry. I love you.” is so powerful to us, telling us you remember our pain and you care.
Sometimes, it’s best to find a tangible way to say what you want to say. Say it with coffee. Say it with a new pair of sparkly earrings. Say it with a strawberry cake. Say it with a bouquet of daisies. Say it with a bottle of champagne. Say it with a note about how awesome she is. Say it with a hug. Say it with a girls trip to her favorite brunch spot. Sometimes we don’t really want to talk about it and when that’s the case, we appreciate that our pain is seen anyway.
Sometimes nothing is the best thing you can say. When the darkness is really dark and the future looks hopeless, sometimes we just need someone to sit with us. To put an arm around us and let us cry and maybe even cry with us. To listen to us rage without judgement of our dark feelings right now. To just be there. It’s so so hard to sit and listen when we want to actively fix it but it’s also so so needed when you’re journeying through infertility. We’ll remember.
This Mother’s Day, text your infertile friend “Hey, how are you?” and you can gauge your care based on her response.